Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
