life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
