It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
