Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
