Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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