3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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