I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
