I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
