Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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