i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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