a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
