I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
