Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
