u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
