so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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