you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
