I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
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If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
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don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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