i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
