She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
don't judge my taste in strippers
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Do you have feelings for this penis?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
