I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
