...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
