the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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