Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
