Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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