So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
