I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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