I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
