I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I think my moral compass just broke
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
