Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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