Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
