All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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