I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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