Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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