Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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