Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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