so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
