"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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