I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
