apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
