Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
