A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
