i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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