I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
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