I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize
