That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
