Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
