That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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