he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
