I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
