I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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