I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The ass gains better be worth it
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