my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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