I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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