We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
