after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
