i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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