Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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