Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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