i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
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i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
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Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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