Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
