You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
